STEPS TO RECOVERY
This is part 2 of a 2 part series
On covert abuse
In this blog, I will cover
The 5 essential pieces
To any lasting program of recovery
So that you not only heal
From your past/current relationship
But go deep enough into your healing
That you effectively rewire your brain
And never find yourself in a situation like this again
TIME
Perhaps the most important thing
You will need to accept about this process
Of recovery from covert narcissistic abuse
Is that it will take time
I wish I could tell you
That there are shortcuts
But truly, the steps outlined here
Are the only shortcuts I know of
After 17 years in the field
Of mental health
As well as my own personal
Experiences with this kind of abuse
The work really IS the only shortcut
ROMANCE
I would highly recommend you not
Get involved with anyone romantically
For a minimum of a year
After ENDING any sort
Of abusive relationship
Abuse of any kind
But especially the covert tactics
Of this type of narcissistic person
Will literally leave your world
And your sense of Self
In fragments
It is all too easy to displace and project our pain
And our past trauma onto another person
That’s true for ANY kind of pain or trauma,
Even ‘normal’ heartbreak’
But the difference for someone
Who has experienced this kind of abuse
Is the degree of fragmentation you will be in
Those of you who know what I’m talking about
Will feel the truth of these words
No further explanation needed
TRUST
I’m going to say something
Which may seem harsh
Even ‘unrealistic’
But if you have anyone in your circle
Who doesn’t believe what you’ve been through
Or tries to insinuate that the abuse was your fault in any way
Please do yourself a favor and STOP engaging with them
At least regarding anything personal
It’s psychologically dangerous territory
When we are in a world of pain
And someone looks at us
— at our pain —
And tries to tell us that
It’s not that bad
Don’t waste your time trying to make
Anyone “get it” either
Because that energy could be
Much better spend elsewhere
On your healing journey
And if friends and family ask what’s up with you
Or try to get you to hang out but you really don’t want to
Believe me when I tell you that you have no obligation to anyone
— unless you have children of course
But when it comes to adult family members and friends
You don’t owe anyone anything
And the fact that you may feel like you do
Is just part of a no-longer-useful program
Of guilt and shame still running in your belief system
And in your energetic field
You can simply let them know that
You’re dealing with some things right now
Or that you’re busy with a project
— after all, self-healing is a project —
That you appreciate their love and concern
And will reach out to them when you’re ready
But make no promises on when that will be
Because that will just end up being another source of stress
And that’s the last thing you need while on your healing journey
In fact, the idea is to let go of anything and everything
That you can afford to let go of — I realize it may not be
possible to let go of your job for example, even if it’s stressful —
But other voluntary relationships that bring you stress
Can be left alone, at least for the time being
CONNECTION
This might have you wondering
If you will be all alone in your healing journey
And of course the answer is no
We ALL need at least one or two people
In our lives who offer us a sense of connection and support
But you want to start thinking outside the box
About what that might look like
For example, joining an online group
Or finding literature
That really resonates with you
Research the importance of “inner child work”
If you’re not already familiar with the topic
And of course finding a therapist that you
Can work with 1:1 is probably the best thing you can do
To accelerate your healing process
If that’s financially not an option right now
There are lots of online programs available these days
That actually allow you to chat with a licensed therapist
Most of these are via messaging only
Which is the reason for the reduced cost
A few notes on the above options:
If you do join an online support group
Please pay extra careful attention
To how the dialogue
And the overall
Level of conversation and energy
In the group make you feel
Also be sure that the group has
Someone actively monitoring its members
Reason being that sometimes support groups
— especially when left totally unattended
Can end up re-traumatizing people
There will almost always be
At least some members who are highly identified
With their abuse and are stuck
In a loop of victimization, with no real conscious desire
To get out
These are not the people you want to be around
Of course we need to talk about our experiences
But there’s a helpful and unhelpful way to do this
Again, if you find yourself feeling worse in the hours
Or days following a support group session
That might be a clue that it’s not
The right place for you
If you decide to invest in 1:1 therapy
Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist questions
Don’t be afraid to shop around for someone
Who feels right to you
Ask if they offer a free consultation
Ask what their experience has been
Helping people work through the experience
Of covert narcissistic abuse
Pay attention to how you feel as they’re talking
The only sensation you should have
Is one of comfort, ease, and relief
If you feel anything else
Please keep looking
There are definitely good therapists out there
Who can really help you
So don’t be afraid to look until you find one
Sidenote: I know all this can feel like a lot
Remember that none of this needs to happen overnight
These are just pieces of a longer-term plan
But the sooner you decide that you’re willing to take them
The sooner you will begin to feel like progress is possible
GROUND
The importance of this
Cannot be overstated
Look up “breathing techniques for calming
the mind”
Find a meditation app that you like
And give yourself the gift of time
To just be, to take walks alone,
To scream, to cry
To do whatever it takes
To allow the emotions to move through you
Because that’s what they need to do
There is no recovery without FEELING
The pain of what we have endured
It’s not pleasant, but it’s necessary
And if anyone tells you that you
Can bypass this process
They are either lying to you
Or have never been there
So have no idea what they’re talking about
And that’s ok
As long as you make sure
That’s not who you’re listening to
JOURNAL
And by journal
I simply mean
Be willing to write down
How you’re feeling
Be willing to write down
Memories as they come up
Be willing to write
When you feel angry
When you feel sad
And even when you feel hopeless
These are all within
The normal range of emotions
And the more you ALLOW them
To surface and pass through you
The more they will begin to dissolve out
And, over time, the lighter you will begin to feel
Lastly, when it comes to trauma
One of the best kept secrets is that
Our Bodies know EXACTLY how to heal
Our Bodies are highly intricate
Systems of infinite intelligence
Society has taught us not to trust our bodies
But through daily meditation, time alone
Silence, stretching and allowing ourselves
To be the emotional beings we are
We can learn to trust
Our Bodies once more
Or maybe for the first time ever
Healing isn’t an easy process
But there isn’t anything more worth doing
Know that you are
Fully capable
Fully ready
And fully deserving
Of the same
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
