COVERT ABUSE

STEPS TO RECOVERY

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This is part 2 of a 2 part series

On covert abuse


In this blog, I will cover 
The 5 essential pieces 
To any lasting program of recovery


So that you not only heal
From your past/current relationship
But go deep enough into your healing
That you effectively rewire your brain
And never find yourself in a situation like this again


TIME


Perhaps the most important thing
You will need to accept about this process
Of recovery from covert narcissistic abuse
Is that it will take time


I wish I could tell you 
That there are shortcuts 

But truly, the steps outlined here 

Are the only shortcuts I know of


After 17 years in the field
Of mental health
As well as my own personal 
Experiences with this kind of abuse
The work really IS the only shortcut


ROMANCE


I would highly recommend you not
Get involved with anyone romantically
For a minimum of a year
After ENDING any sort
Of abusive relationship


Abuse of any kind
But especially the covert tactics 
Of this type of narcissistic person 
Will literally leave your world 
And your sense of Self 
In fragments


It is all too easy to displace and project our pain
And our past trauma onto another person


That’s true for ANY kind of pain or trauma, 
Even ‘normal’ heartbreak’


But the difference for someone
Who has experienced this kind of abuse
Is the degree of fragmentation you will be in


Those of you who know what I’m talking about
Will feel the truth of these words


No further explanation needed


TRUST


I’m going to say something 
Which may seem harsh
Even ‘unrealistic’ 
But if you have anyone in your circle
Who doesn’t believe what you’ve been through
Or tries to insinuate that the abuse was your fault in any way
Please do yourself a favor and STOP engaging with them
At least regarding anything personal


It’s psychologically dangerous territory 
When we are in a world of pain
And someone looks at us 
— at our pain —
And tries to tell us that
It’s not that bad


Don’t waste your time trying to make 
Anyone “get it” either
Because that energy could be
Much better spend elsewhere 
On your healing journey 


And if friends and family ask what’s up with you
Or try to get you to hang out but you really don’t want to
Believe me when I tell you that you have no obligation to anyone 
— unless you have children of course


But when it comes to adult family members and friends 
You don’t owe anyone anything
And the fact that you may feel like you do
Is just part of a no-longer-useful program
Of guilt and shame still running in your belief system
And in your energetic field


You can simply let them know that 
You’re dealing with some things right now
Or that you’re busy with a project 
— after all, self-healing is a project —
That you appreciate their love and concern 
And will reach out to them when you’re ready


But make no promises on when that will be
Because that will just end up being another source of stress
And that’s the last thing you need while on your healing journey 


In fact, the idea is to let go of anything and everything
That you can afford to let go of — I realize it may not be 
possible to let go of your job for example, even if it’s stressful —
But other voluntary relationships that bring you stress
Can be left alone, at least for the time being


CONNECTION


This might have you wondering
If you will be all alone in your healing journey


And of course the answer is no
We ALL need at least one or two people 
In our lives who offer us a sense of connection and support


But you want to start thinking outside the box
About what that might look like


For example, joining an online group
Or finding literature
That really resonates with you


Research the importance of “inner child work”
If you’re not already familiar with the topic


And of course finding a therapist that you 
Can work with 1:1 is probably the best thing you can do
To accelerate your healing process 


If that’s financially not an option right now
There are lots of online programs available these days
That actually allow you to chat with a licensed therapist
Most of these are via messaging only
Which is the reason for the reduced cost


A few notes on the above options:


If you do join an online support group
Please pay extra careful attention
To how the dialogue
And the overall 
Level of conversation and energy
In the group make you feel


Also be sure that the group has 
Someone actively monitoring its members


Reason being that sometimes support groups 
— especially when left totally unattended
Can end up re-traumatizing people  


There will almost always be
At least some members who are highly identified
With their abuse and are stuck
In a loop of victimization, with no real conscious desire
To get out


These are not the people you want to be around


Of course we need to talk about our experiences
But there’s a helpful and unhelpful way to do this


Again, if you find yourself feeling worse in the hours
Or days following a support group session
That might be a clue that it’s not 
The right place for you


If you decide to invest in 1:1 therapy 
Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist questions 
Don’t be afraid to shop around for someone 
Who feels right to you


Ask if they offer a free consultation 
Ask what their experience has been
Helping people work through the experience
Of covert narcissistic abuse


Pay attention to how you feel as they’re talking
The only sensation you should have 
Is one of comfort, ease, and relief

If you feel anything else
Please keep looking


There are definitely good therapists out there
Who can really help you

So don’t be afraid to look until you find one


Sidenote: I know all this can feel like a lot
Remember that none of this needs to happen overnight
These are just pieces of a longer-term plan
But the sooner you decide that you’re willing to take them
The sooner you will begin to feel like progress is possible


GROUND


The importance of this 
Cannot be overstated 
Look up “breathing techniques for calming
the mind”
Find a meditation app that you like
And give yourself the gift of time
To just be, to take walks alone,
To scream, to cry


To do whatever it takes 
To allow the emotions to move through you
Because that’s what they need to do


There is no recovery without FEELING 
The pain of what we have endured
It’s not pleasant, but it’s necessary


And if anyone tells you that you 
Can bypass this process
They are either lying to you
Or have never been there
So have no idea what they’re talking about


And that’s ok
As long as you make sure 
That’s not who you’re listening to


JOURNAL


And by journal 
I simply mean
Be willing to write down 
How you’re feeling


Be willing to write down
Memories as they come up


Be willing to write
When you feel angry
When you feel sad 
And even when you feel hopeless


These are all within 
The normal range of emotions

And the more you ALLOW them 
To surface and pass through you


The more they will begin to dissolve out
And, over time, the lighter you will begin to feel


Lastly, when it comes to trauma
One of the best kept secrets is that
Our Bodies know EXACTLY how to heal


Our Bodies are highly intricate 
Systems of infinite intelligence


Society has taught us not to trust our bodies
But through daily meditation, time alone
Silence, stretching and allowing ourselves
To be the emotional beings we are


We can learn to trust
Our Bodies once more
Or maybe for the first time ever


Healing isn’t an easy process
But there isn’t anything more worth doing


Know that you are 
Fully capable
Fully ready
And fully deserving
Of the same


Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember 


To our collective growth,
Tara x

If you have questions please reply by email.

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BOUNDARY-CROSSERS

5 TELL TALE SIGNS OF THE COVERT NARCISSIST

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The covert narcissist

Won’t be as easy to spot

As their more extraverted
Counterparts

But the damage they do

Will be all the same

How To Know If You’re Dealing With This Kind Of Person

First off, it’s important

To keep in mind 

That the covert narcissist 

Is fundamentally the same

As the more flamboyant “obvious”

Type of narcissist

Especially in the following 2 ways:

They fundamentally lack

A healthy sense of Self

AKA they have a highly 

Vulnerable inner world

Their primary motivation in relationship 

Is about what they can “get” 

From the other person 

Instead of what they contribute

Whether they’re aware

Of this dynamic or not

Sign #1 A Subtle (Or Not-So-Subtle) Smugness

An extraverted narcissist

Will more than likely

Be openly self-congratulatory

And speak highly of him or herself 

A covert type, on the other hand

Is more likely 

To be self-deprecating

Or to put themselves down

With the expectation that others

— and this is KEY —

Will come to their “rescue”

Or praise them

And tell them how great they are

Essentially you can look at this

As a false sense of humility 

Sign #2 Self-Absorption And A Lack Of True Empathy 

Narcissists in general

Are not able to validate 

The concerns of others 

But with a covert narcissist 

This will be harder to spot

Because they won’t necessarily 

Be rude, overtly abuse, or even obviously

Dismissive

However, they will have

A high tendency

To be more quiet, withdrawn

And generally keep to themselves

Consequently, if you are in a close 

Relationship with this type of person

You will often feel alone, unworthy

And unimportant to them

While that will not be the case

With other people in your life 

Sign #3 Immature And Inadequate Responses 

All narcissistic people

Have a tough time with feedback

No matter how constructive

The feedback may be

Or how nicely it’s delivered

But instead of ranting or shouting

In disapproval 

The covert type is more likely

To try and cover up how they feel

Although their body language 

Will usually give them away

The covert narcissist is also

Likely to minimize your wants

Labeling them as “unimportant”

Or “boring” as a way to avoid

Taking any responsibility 

Or having to change their behavior 

They are also very good

At over-simplifying the needs of others

Typically have a tough time with details

Facts, and even logic — although they consider themselves to be quite logical —

Simply because they don’t want 

To invest energy into things that

Don’t fit their agenda 

As a side note:

It’s important to keep in mind

That this applies to relationships

Where there is a spoken or unspoken 

Agreement that two people are going

To make each other a priority

Someone that doesn’t want to spend

Time with you or cater to your needs

Isn’t automatically a narcissist 

Similarly, if we are interested in someone

And they don’t feel the same about us

This does not make them a narcissist

So it’s important to look at this information

In the context of the “agreement” you 

And this person have in place

Sign #4 They Feel Misunderstood

This one doesn’t require 

A whole lot of explanation

Basically this signifies a sense 

Of importance, or of being “different”

Or “ahead of their time”

So much so 

That the majority of people

Cannot relate to them

But in truth, this is just another

Cover-up for the fact that people

With these personality traits 

Have a truly difficult time

Making genuine connections

With others 

Especailly connections 

And relationships that require 

Intimacy

Because intimacy requires 

Vulnerability 

And this is highly threatening 

To the fragile sense of Self

That the narcissist has

Sign #5 Passive-Agressiveness

This might be one of the hardest

Parts of being in a relationship

With this kind of person

Passive aggressive behavior 

Is characterized by being resistant

To the requests of others

But doing so in a passive way

So, for example

Instead of directly saying
That they don’t want to do something

This kind of person might agree

But then back out or change their mind

If this happens once in a while

It obviously isn’t a major issue

And if the person can take responsibility 

For their actions, they probably aren’t 

A covert narcissist 

But if someone does this repeatedly

And then shrugs it off as “no big deal” 

That is definitely a sign to be aware of

And lastly, covert narcissists 

Have a super tough time with 

Direct dialogue or confrontation

Making resolution of disagreements 

Next to impossible

Next week I will go into 

Steps you can take if you find yourself

With this kind of person

But the first step in any process of change

Is to identify the problem

And make a conscious decision

That you are willing to do the inner work

That it will take in order to change it

Joy in your natural state

It’s time for you to remember 

To our collective growth,

Tara x 

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BAD BOYS

How Bad Behavior Translates in a Relationship

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The way a man

Treats a perfect stranger

Should matter to you

And it should matter a lot

I know a lot of women

Don’t wanna believe it

I know a lot of women
Are enamored with bad boys

— this applies to men being

enamored with bad(ass) women

as well, but we’re gonna focus

on the men in this post — 

The reason for this

Is that “bad” people

Appear confident on the surface

And confidence is very attractive

But if that so-called confidence

Spills into a condescending tone

With that Lyft driver

Or turns into 

Casually rude behavior

With hotel staff

Or frequent complaints

About his ‘negative’ experiences

In the world at large

I would HIGHLY recommend

You sit up — and stay sitting up —

And take notice

Because the way a man

Treats other people

Is the way he will 

Eventually

Treat you

Yes it will be just as bad

If not worse

Why worse?

Because you will be

Emotionally entangled

With him

And him

With you

So if he can treat a perfect stranger

So disrespectfully — someone who presumably

hasn’t done anything wrong to him, except 

maybe fail to provide him with the level 

of customer service which he not 

only appreciates, but actually 

feels entitled to —

Then what do you think he might be like

With someone he perceives

Has actually wronged him?!

If he is so easily thrown off

His emotional center

Simply because his meal

Wasn’t served hot enough

How forgiving and compassionate

Do you think he will be

With you 

When you inevitably

Do something

That upsets him

And I’m not referring to

Any major betrayal

It could be something as simple

As not picking up the dry cleaning

That’s how “bad” men 

And women

Are

So what can you do?

Have the willingness 

To pay very close attention

To how you feel in this person‘s presence

Especially when he’s interacting

With other people

If it makes you uncomfortable

There’s a reason

And there’s truly no need

To set yourself up

For unnecessary pain

No level of physical attraction

Is going to make up 

For this kind of issue

In your relationship

There are plenty

Of confident men and women

In the world

Who you will be

Just as attracted to

And if you only find yourself

Attracted to these kind of people

That’s a separate issue

Bu one worth looking at

I’m speaking as someone

Who’s lived it

It doesn’t matter

How nicely that person

Is treating you right now

It doesn’t matter

How far into the relationship

You are

t doesn’t matter

If they have managed

To make you believe

That you are different

It doesn’t matter

What your mind

Is currently telling you

You have to take

A person’s total behavior

Into consideration

And lastly

If you have tricked yourself

Into believing that this person

Simply has high standards

— because after all, there’s no reason 

to accept bad service, or eat a meal 

that isn’t up to par, right? — just consider this: 

Not only is it possible

To have high standards

Without treating people badly

But people with TRULY high standards

Also have standards for themselves

And for their own behavior as well

Not just the behavior of others

If someone is willing

To be rude or disrespectful to anyone

There is no reason under the sun

To believe that behavior won’t one day turn on you

To our collective growth,

Tara x

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EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES

OLD WAYS WON’T WORK

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So you messed up

In your relationship

And now

You have to undertake

The daunting task

Of making it right

There are exceptions

To what I'm about to say —

such as in the case

of minor infractions — 

But if you messed up big time

You’ve probably already figured out 

That simply saying you're sorry

Isn't going to work

If you find that a simple 

“I’m sorry” 

Does the trick

Then by all means 

Say you’re sorry

And move on 

The problem 

I wanna address today

Is what to do

When a simple 

I'm sorry 

Doesn’t cut it

Maybe because

The betrayal 

Was too big

Or maybe because

You’ve messed up

Too many times

In the past 

In either case

Repair IS possible 

But first 

You have to accept

A few key things 

OLD WAYS WON’T WORK

If you've really messed up

In a major way — or even

in a minor way but 

have done so repeatedly — 

Then it should be 

Quite understandable 

That your parter 

Probably isn’t 

In a very forgiving mood

SIDE NOTE: 

I’ll be using 

Specific gender pronouns

For the rest of this post

But please know

That these issues exist

In ALL relationship dynamics

So this is where I see

Most men — again this applies

to women as well — 

Get in trouble

How sorry am I, really?  

This last point

Can’t be overstated

Here's why: 

When you screw up 

In a relationship

Your apology 

Must be sincere 

And it must be 

Because of what you DID

Not just because

Your partner is mad

At you

And it must be

Totally and completely unwavering

What does this mean?

It means that if you say

“I’m sorry”

But your partner 

Doesn’t’ forgive you

Within the first 30 seconds

Of your apology

And you then get irritated

Or annoyed

Consider this 

A HUGE sign

To proceed

WIth caution 

Not only 

Will your partner

Most likely become 

Even more irritated

With your impatience

Meanwhile

Your irritation 

And impatience 

Is just digging you

Into an even deeper hole

Which will take

Even more work

To get out of

Your apology cannot

Be half-hearted

And it cannot be faked

Not even a little bit

Because if it is — if on ANY level

you are not truly sorry — 

I promise you

She will know

She’ll pick up on it

And she simply

Won't believe you

There’s no “hack” 

To this process

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: 

Your irritation is also a sign

Of where you still have work to do

No need to beat yourself up

But DO notice

Do become a good observer

Of your own emotions 

And learn to be honest

With yourself

Back to what I was saying

If you’re not truly sorry

Not only will she 

Not believe you

But she will feel betrayed

By your inability to be honest 

With yourself 

And perhaps even more betrayed

By your inability — or refusal —

To give her what you know

She really desires

WHAT S/HE REALLY NEEDS FROM YOU:

An authentic expression

Of the fact that you 

Actually feel bad 

For whatever it is you did

Or in some cases

What you didn’t do

But either way

An authentic expression

Is needed

A clear demonstration 

That you are not desperate 

To rush through the apology 

Or to rush through 

This phase

Of your relationship

For that matter

A phase which will probably 

Require time 

And patience 

To properly heal from

In short, she wants to know

That you “get it”

So before

You even consider

Approaching her

Ask yourself: 

Are you truly sorry? 

Are you willing

To go through 

The process 

Of her grief

With her?

Are you willing

To accept her need

So no

It's not about "blame"

But when you try 

To get away

With things 

You know full well

Are not acceptable 

To your partner

You both have some 

Soul Searching to do

My hope — for those 

of you who truly are sorry 

and just don’t know where to begin — 

Is that this will help shed some light

If your partner is hurting

They need your patience

They need you 

To help (re)create

An atmosphere of safety

Not to tell them 

How they need to hurry up

And forgive you

Just because you said 

The words

“I’m sorry”

They need to know

Why you feel

That things went down

The way they did

And what you will do

To make sure

Those circumstances

Never arise again

Pain cannot be rushed

And that’s why

Your apology can’t either

Joy is your natural state

It’s time for you to remember 

To our collective growth, 

Tara x

If you have questions please reply by email.

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REWIRING ABUSE

GET BACK IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS

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Hey guys

If you’ve been reading the blog

Over the last couple of weeks

You know that this is Part 3

Of my three part series on Narcissism 

(In case you missed it you can find part 1 and part 2 on my website)

Today I wanna share 

Just one specific exercise

That can help you 

Immensely 

On your healing journey

So long as you actually 

Sit down and do it

I can’t emphasize this enough 

This is NOT an intellectual process

Reading this post won’t do anything for you

Unless you actually do the exercise

Ok?!

Great :)

The purpose of this exercise 

Is to get you back in touch 

With your feelings

Because when you’ve suffered

From any sort of abuse

Connection to Self

Has often totally been abandoned

This will require you to be 

Persistent

Strong

Willing

Courageous

You CAN do this

You ARE capable

And you are absolutely 

Worthy 

And 

Enough

Don’t put this off

Not until tomorrow

Or after dinner

Or after you check your email

One more time

Go grab a pen and paper

Seriously

Stop reading 

And go get a pen and paper

You’ll thank me later

Because this is how we heal

One 

Step 

At a time

By actually doing the thing

By taking the action

We know we need to take

I know it feels hard

But staying where you are

Is harder

Deep down

You already know that

Alright

Glad I’ve convinced you

Step 1 - The Memory:

Reflect back on an interaction

Any interaction

You had with this person

That made you feel bad

Don’t overthink it

Just pick one

You can do this 

For multiple interactions

If you like

But we need to start with one

One SPECIFIC memory or interaction 

To work with right now

Step 2 - The Facts:

Write down the exact nature

Of the interaction

As in

What actually happened

Keep this part 

As objective 

As possible

For example:

I walked into the house
My partner asked me how my day was

And then walked out of the room

Right as I started to answer him

Or maybe he picked up his phone

Or started talking over you

Whatever it was 

Write it down

Then continue to write out

Exactly what happened

So just to continue 

With the same example 

Maybe you would go on 

To write the following

He didn’t say “hold on”

He didn’t offer an explanation

He just walked outta the room

It was almost as if

He hadn’t literally JUST asked

How my day was

And when he walked back in

And I asked him what just happened

He asked

If I was in “one of my moods” again

Or maybe he just rolled his eyes

Yes - this is a form of (covert) abuse

It’s meant to dismiss you

To dismiss your reality

To make you feel 

And often actually act

Crazy

Again

The above is just an example

To help illustrate what I mean

Step 3 - My Feelings:

Once you’ve written out

Exactly what happened

You can move onto the next step

Which is to write out

How it made you feel

This is a step that so many people

I’ve worked with over the years

Have a hard time with

Most people will go into a story

About what they THINK

Instead of how this interaction

Actually made them FEEL

I want you to know

That this is totally normal

But I also want you to understand 

That this is part of your programming

Which is to say

Being in an abusive relationship 

Has trained you 

To mistrust your own feelings 

If this has been going on long enough

Say for a number of years

Or maybe even decades

You will feel sufficiently disconnected

From the Truth of your own reality

To the point that this exercise 

Might be super challenging for you

The most important thing here

Is that you do not fall back

Into old patterns 

Or into a spiral of shame 

Do not use the fact 

That this is challenging 

As an excuse to throw your hands up

And say “it’s too hard”

NO!

It’s uncomfortable

Yes

But it’s not “too” hard

You are bigger than this

You can do this

Giving up on yourself

Is exactly what this person

Who has you under their control 

Wants you to do

So if coming up with feelings 

Is tough for you

My suggestion would be

Simply google “feeling words” 

And start working off that list

Print it out if you can

Or take a screenshot

So you can always 

Come back to it

There’s absolutely nothing wrong

With using all available resources

When you want to succeed 

At anything in Life

Healing from abuse is no different

As you work on Step 3

Notice any feelings that come up

Feelings that try and sabotage 

Your efforts to heal

Or thoughts that come up

Such as “this will never work” 

And so forth

Again

Just see them for what they are

Part of a program that’s been running

Probably for a very long time

And our job here 

Is to write over that program

These steps may seem simple

But I promise you

If you actually do them

Not in your mind

But by taking actual

PEN 

TO 

PAPER

You will start to feel relief

Lastly 

I want to know

If you’d be interested

In a more in-depth course 

On exactly what I did

All the steps I took

To overcome Narcissistic Abuse 

In my own life

If so 

send me an email

And let me know

Joy is your natural state

It’s time for you to remember

To our collective growth,

Tara x

If you have questions please reply by email.

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COMPASSION DEFICIT

Let THIS be that glimmer

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Welcome back to our series on Narcissism

If you missed last week’s post

You can find it here

Before you go on

I was specifically guided to ask

That you read this post with an open heart

And to see this as a sign post

Spirit says

You have been asking 

For a way out of pain

God/Source/the universe always hears our requests

But whether we listen 

Will always be up to us

That is the nature of this human experience 

And the nature of our free will

If your heart is open

This can be the beginning 

Of a new life for you

It all begins with you

With the decision

With the clarity 

That you don’t want to suffer anymore

Keep in mind

That you don’t have to have all the answers 

You don’t have to know “how” it will all work

The truth is you can’t

And the good news is you don’t need to

All you need to know 

Is that the way things are right now

Is no longer working for you

And that you are ready 

To change direction 

Leaving any relationship 

Is uncomfortable

Often even scary

But leaving an abusive relationship 

Is like a nightmare collapsed on to itself

Casting out all but a glimmer of light

If you’re still reading this

TRUST

That there is a reason

Let THIS be that glimmer

It’s all you need 

To begin changing your life

7 Keys To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse:

1. DENIAL

Understand that your denial
Is a guaranteed path 

To your continued suffering

The trickiest aspect

Of dealing with any sort of abuse

Is the temptation to fall back asleep

By which I mean

The temptation to fall back into denial

So this first step

Is more an exercise in consciousness

It’s something you  may have to bring yourself back to

Time and time again

And that’s ok

Just know that the moment 

You start to have thoughts like

“Oh maybe it’s not that bad”

“Maybe he really gets it this time”

“This is the worst it will ever be”

“She promised she’d never do it again”

These thoughts 

Are signs

That you have fallen back asleep 

Back into the program

So you have to be willing 

To see this for what it is

A well-practiced defense mechanism

Which will keep you in hell 

Forever

If you let it

Become aware

Your denial cannot survive

The light of your awareness

2. JOURNAL

If it’s an option

I’d recommend you find a good therapist 

So you can begin to have someone 

Serve as a witness to your experience

If for whatever reason 

You can’t do that at this point in time

You can start to keep a journal

In fact

I would recommend doing this either way 

Any good therapist would do the same

Keep your journal somewhere safe

If that’s not an option

Write in shorthand 

Or keep notes on your phone

Assuming this person doesn’t have access to it

You may need to get creative

But however you do it

You need to start writing things down

Specifically 

You need to write down

Your interactions with this person

And how they made you feel

How they made YOU feel

Not how they told you to feel

Not what they said

Not what you said

But how the interaction 

Actually made you FEEL

This might be tough at first

Because you’ve been trained

Away from your feelings

You’ve been programmed

That your feelings are a lie

They’re not

Write them down

3. BLOCK

This should really go without saying

But you have to block, delete, remove

All trace of this person

For the time being

As far as you’re concerned 

This person does not exist

There will obviously be exceptions to this

Such as when you have children with this person

Or if you are financially dependent on this person

But to those of you who aren’t in either situation 

You need to block off all contact

I know that the thought alone 

May send you spiraling

But when you’re ready - aka once you have suffered enough

You will do it

Because you will understand

That your survival depends on it

This will only sound crazy 

To someone who doesn’t get it

Because they've never been there

Which brings me to my next point

4. COMPANY

Be ruthless about the company you keep

Always - but especially while healing 

Stay away from anyone

Who seems to minimize your situation

Or your pain

Most people won’t get it

This doesn’t make them bad people

But it DOES make them bad for you to be around

While you’re in this vulnerable place

Yes that means it might get lonely

It might mean many conversations

With God

With your journal 

With your Soul

But I promise you

There is light on the other side of this

5. DARKNESS

Speaking of light

There is absolutely no way

You’re gonna get through this 

Without pain

It hurts to let go of our illusions

And that’s what a lot of your pain will be about

Letting go of who you thought this person was

Letting go of the life or relationship 

You wish you could have with this person

Letting go of the dreams 

Whether real or imagined

That you had

This process of letting go - it hurts

Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t 

Or that it isn’t supposed to

It’s not their experience

And it’s not their pain 

And you don’t need anyone else

To validate your experience 

Or your pain

6. DATING

Don’t do it

Seriously

Unless you wanna turn

A world of pain

Into galaxies of pain

Don’t date

Don’t even think about dating

And for that matter

To whatever degree possible

Only hang out with people 

That you have no sexual history with

Or sexual attraction to

This might also be a huge wake-up call

For some of you

Because often 

When we’re in abusive relationships 

We’ve long abandoned our loved ones

Or else they’ve cut off contact with us

Because it was too painful to watch us

Destroy ourselves

But that’s a whole other topic

Again

If you don’t have anyone in your life

That you can honestly say you trust

And that has your back

It may be an invitation

To truly confront yourself

On a level you never have before

I know it can feel scary

And overwhelming

But trust that this is all happening

Because there is another life

Available and waiting for you

It’s just going to require some willingness

Some major willingness

On your part

In order to find your way there 

7. PATTERNS

On the absolute deepest level

This process isn’t about understanding the process

It’s not even really about understanding

The other person - the so-called narcissist 

Not because they don’t exist

And not because their abuse isn’t real

IT IS 

But because on the deepest level

Abuse is a pattern

It’s a sign post

Telling us where 

It still hurts

Telling us where 

Our boundaries are still porous

Telling us where our wounds

Are still in desperate need

Of the love we so freely

Give away to others

But can’t stand to give ourselves

And the most important aspect 

Of this process

Is Forgiveness

Both forgiveness of those who have hurt us

When we were 

Too young

Too defenseless 

Too vulnerable 

To protect ourself

And forgiveness of ourselves 

For continuing 

To let people hurt us

Because we didn’t know

We were still trying to heal

From those who had hurt us before

Joy is your natural state 

It’s time for you to remember

To our collective growth,

Tara x

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ON NARCISSISM

What are YOU are tolerating

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Disclaimer - if the title of this post doesn’t  annoy you
Then feel free to skip to the  below 

To anyone who sort of rolls their eyes when they hear the word “narcissist”
I get it - I used to be one of those people too

And to be fair
People DO misuse the word 
And throw it around casually
When of course there’s nothing casual about dealing with a narcissistic person

Narcissism isn’t just a matter of having an inflated sense of self
It goes far deeper than that

And even though I may dislike the word as much as the next person
We use terms like this 
And language in general
To make it easier to communicate what we mean 
Without having to use a lot of description and examples each and every single time

We human beings rely on language enormously to live our day-to-day lives
If you don’t think so
Try taking a vow of silence sometime
It will completely change you

So yes, people misuse the word
Yes, most people don’t have a very deep understanding about the pathology of narcissism
And yes, the modern spiritual community seems especially repelled by the concept

And I believe the main reason for this 
Is the fact that calling someone a narcissist 
Sounds like casting blame
Versus taking full responsibility for allowing this person in your life 
And them letting them stay 
And they’re not totally wrong  

But until you understand what I’m sharing with you today 
The rest of the conversation - about personal accountability and healing - won’t matter  

End of Disclaimer 

    

What I really want you to understand today
(stay tuned for the personal responsibility and what-you-can-actually-do-about-it piece coming next week)
Is this 
You need to understand 
That when it comes to living your absolute best life
A relationship with a narcissistic person 
Or someone with strong traits in that direction
Will make that reality impossible
 
It doesn’t matter if that person is your partner, mother, father, boss, or child
And it doesn’t matter if they ever get a formal diagnosis or not
Especially given that most people who fall into this category rarely seek treatment
(If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissistic person, you know that better than anyone)

So first things first
Here are a few characteristics of true narcissists
And for the purposes of (re)evaluating your own life
Which is my desire for you
These are the characteristics that really matter:

• All narcissists abuse - whether mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, or economically

• They never take responsibility - not verbally, and certainly not by changing their actual behavior   

• Related to the the last point, they always find a way to blame others for anything that goes wrong - and with these types of individuals, you’ll find that things are often going ‘wrong’ because others aren’t doing what they “should be”

• Their reaction to situations is often disproportionate to what the event or "trigger" was that set them off 

• The entire life, identity, and reality of this kind of person is filtered through an over-inflated sense of self which goes far beyond our everyday notion of ego, and is actually quite difficult for most ‘normal’ people to comprehend 

And
Just as importantly
These are some of the ways you will feel 
When in the presence of a true narcissist:

• Uneasy - not necessarily because something ‘happened’ but just because that’s how you’ll find yourself feeling when around this person  

• You will question yourself pretty much all the time - and depending on how much time you spend with this person, you can start finding it more and more difficult to make even small decisions 

• You will begin to question your interpretation of events - and eventually, your interpretation of reality as a whole

• If you dare to question anything about their version of reality, they will become enraged

• When they don’t get their way, one way or another - whether now or years from now (the true narcissist is extremely patient) - they will make you pay

• And ultimately, you will feel an overwhelming sense that you don't really exist

And the truth is
You don't 
Not to them

But here’s the real
And not-so-pleasant truth:

Like any other relationship you will ever have with another human being
A person will only treat you as good or bad as you let them

Think of this as sort of a corollary to the idea that you will always get in life what you tolerate

So the place to start is to ask yourself what are you tolerating

What are YOU are tolerating

Not what is the other person doing

But what have you allowed to take place
In this particular relationship 
With this particular person 
And perhaps with others before them

The biggest obstacle people have 
When they start doing this work
Is the refusal to see things 
As they are
And NOT worse than they are

And especially to see yourself 
As someone who deserves 
Your own forgiveness and compassion 
To see YOURSELF as you are
As someone who is on their own Soul’s journey
And as hard as it may be to believe 
From where you’re standing right now
There is a way out of these dynamics and relationships
Which will be the topic of next week’s post

Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember 

To our collective growth
Tara 

If you have questions please reply by email.

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EARTH

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MINDSET

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VOICE

COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS

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