OLD WAYS WON’T WORK
So you messed up
In your relationship
And now
You have to undertake
The daunting task
Of making it right
There are exceptions
To what I'm about to say —
such as in the case
of minor infractions —
But if you messed up big time
You’ve probably already figured out
That simply saying you're sorry
Isn't going to work
If you find that a simple
“I’m sorry”
Does the trick
Then by all means
Say you’re sorry
And move on
The problem
I wanna address today
Is what to do
When a simple
I'm sorry
Doesn’t cut it
Maybe because
The betrayal
Was too big
Or maybe because
You’ve messed up
Too many times
In the past
In either case
Repair IS possible
But first
You have to accept
A few key things
OLD WAYS WON’T WORK
If you've really messed up
In a major way — or even
in a minor way but
have done so repeatedly —
Then it should be
Quite understandable
That your parter
Probably isn’t
In a very forgiving mood
SIDE NOTE:
I’ll be using
Specific gender pronouns
For the rest of this post
But please know
That these issues exist
In ALL relationship dynamics
So this is where I see
Most men — again this applies
to women as well —
Get in trouble
How sorry am I, really?
This last point
Can’t be overstated
Here's why:
When you screw up
In a relationship
Your apology
Must be sincere
And it must be
Because of what you DID
Not just because
Your partner is mad
At you
And it must be
Totally and completely unwavering
What does this mean?
It means that if you say
“I’m sorry”
But your partner
Doesn’t’ forgive you
Within the first 30 seconds
Of your apology
And you then get irritated
Or annoyed
Consider this
A HUGE sign
To proceed
WIth caution
Not only
Will your partner
Most likely become
Even more irritated
With your impatience
Meanwhile
Your irritation
And impatience
Is just digging you
Into an even deeper hole
Which will take
Even more work
To get out of
Your apology cannot
Be half-hearted
And it cannot be faked
Not even a little bit
Because if it is — if on ANY level
you are not truly sorry —
I promise you
She will know
She’ll pick up on it
And she simply
Won't believe you
There’s no “hack”
To this process
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE:
Your irritation is also a sign
Of where you still have work to do
No need to beat yourself up
But DO notice
Do become a good observer
Of your own emotions
And learn to be honest
With yourself
Back to what I was saying
If you’re not truly sorry
Not only will she
Not believe you
But she will feel betrayed
By your inability to be honest
With yourself
And perhaps even more betrayed
By your inability — or refusal —
To give her what you know
She really desires
WHAT S/HE REALLY NEEDS FROM YOU:
An authentic expression
Of the fact that you
Actually feel bad
For whatever it is you did
Or in some cases
What you didn’t do
But either way
An authentic expression
Is needed
A clear demonstration
That you are not desperate
To rush through the apology
Or to rush through
This phase
Of your relationship
For that matter
A phase which will probably
Require time
And patience
To properly heal from
In short, she wants to know
That you “get it”
So before
You even consider
Approaching her
Ask yourself:
Are you truly sorry?
Are you willing
To go through
The process
Of her grief
With her?
Are you willing
To accept her need
So no
It's not about "blame"
But when you try
To get away
With things
You know full well
Are not acceptable
To your partner
You both have some
Soul Searching to do
My hope — for those
of you who truly are sorry
and just don’t know where to begin —
Is that this will help shed some light
If your partner is hurting
They need your patience
They need you
To help (re)create
An atmosphere of safety
Not to tell them
How they need to hurry up
And forgive you
Just because you said
The words
“I’m sorry”
They need to know
Why you feel
That things went down
The way they did
And what you will do
To make sure
Those circumstances
Never arise again
Pain cannot be rushed
And that’s why
Your apology can’t either
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
