What are YOU are tolerating
Disclaimer - if the title of this post doesn’t annoy you
Then feel free to skip to the below
To anyone who sort of rolls their eyes when they hear the word “narcissist”
I get it - I used to be one of those people too
And to be fair
People DO misuse the word
And throw it around casually
When of course there’s nothing casual about dealing with a narcissistic person
Narcissism isn’t just a matter of having an inflated sense of self
It goes far deeper than that
And even though I may dislike the word as much as the next person
We use terms like this
And language in general
To make it easier to communicate what we mean
Without having to use a lot of description and examples each and every single time
We human beings rely on language enormously to live our day-to-day lives
If you don’t think so
Try taking a vow of silence sometime
It will completely change you
So yes, people misuse the word
Yes, most people don’t have a very deep understanding about the pathology of narcissism
And yes, the modern spiritual community seems especially repelled by the concept
And I believe the main reason for this
Is the fact that calling someone a narcissist
Sounds like casting blame
Versus taking full responsibility for allowing this person in your life
And them letting them stay
And they’re not totally wrong
But until you understand what I’m sharing with you today
The rest of the conversation - about personal accountability and healing - won’t matter
End of Disclaimer
What I really want you to understand today
(stay tuned for the personal responsibility and what-you-can-actually-do-about-it piece coming next week)
Is this
You need to understand
That when it comes to living your absolute best life
A relationship with a narcissistic person
Or someone with strong traits in that direction
Will make that reality impossible
It doesn’t matter if that person is your partner, mother, father, boss, or child
And it doesn’t matter if they ever get a formal diagnosis or not
Especially given that most people who fall into this category rarely seek treatment
(If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissistic person, you know that better than anyone)
So first things first
Here are a few characteristics of true narcissists
And for the purposes of (re)evaluating your own life
Which is my desire for you
These are the characteristics that really matter:
• All narcissists abuse - whether mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, or economically
• They never take responsibility - not verbally, and certainly not by changing their actual behavior
• Related to the the last point, they always find a way to blame others for anything that goes wrong - and with these types of individuals, you’ll find that things are often going ‘wrong’ because others aren’t doing what they “should be”
• Their reaction to situations is often disproportionate to what the event or "trigger" was that set them off
• The entire life, identity, and reality of this kind of person is filtered through an over-inflated sense of self which goes far beyond our everyday notion of ego, and is actually quite difficult for most ‘normal’ people to comprehend
And
Just as importantly
These are some of the ways you will feel
When in the presence of a true narcissist:
• Uneasy - not necessarily because something ‘happened’ but just because that’s how you’ll find yourself feeling when around this person
• You will question yourself pretty much all the time - and depending on how much time you spend with this person, you can start finding it more and more difficult to make even small decisions
• You will begin to question your interpretation of events - and eventually, your interpretation of reality as a whole
• If you dare to question anything about their version of reality, they will become enraged
• When they don’t get their way, one way or another - whether now or years from now (the true narcissist is extremely patient) - they will make you pay
• And ultimately, you will feel an overwhelming sense that you don't really exist
And the truth is
You don't
Not to them
But here’s the real
And not-so-pleasant truth:
Like any other relationship you will ever have with another human being
A person will only treat you as good or bad as you let them
Think of this as sort of a corollary to the idea that you will always get in life what you tolerate
So the place to start is to ask yourself what are you tolerating
What are YOU are tolerating
Not what is the other person doing
But what have you allowed to take place
In this particular relationship
With this particular person
And perhaps with others before them
The biggest obstacle people have
When they start doing this work
Is the refusal to see things
As they are
And NOT worse than they are
And especially to see yourself
As someone who deserves
Your own forgiveness and compassion
To see YOURSELF as you are
As someone who is on their own Soul’s journey
And as hard as it may be to believe
From where you’re standing right now
There is a way out of these dynamics and relationships
Which will be the topic of next week’s post
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth
Tara
If you have questions please reply by email.
