WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO BEFRIEND IT
Many of us have heard the saying
“What you resist, persists”
This is probably one of the best ways
To describe the nature of our human shadows
Our shadow is essentially the part of ourselves
That we do our best to keep hidden
Because we find it shameful &
Unacceptable in some way
The problem with the shadow
— and with the notion of a purely
‘Positive Psychology’ approach to life —
Is that the things we don’t confront &
Come to terms with, within ourselves
Don’t just go away or die off on their own
In fact, they usually persist
And they show up in our lives
In all kinds of sneaky and sabotaging ways
— such as various forms of mental illness,
low self esteem, chronic pain, anxiety, addictions,
and a whole host of other experiences ranging from
painful to downright excruciating
If you don’t know what your shadows are
— and yes we ALL have them —
I’d encourage you, over the next few days,
to really start paying attention to what triggers
you in other people, especially qualities/behaviors/etc
that you find yourself routinely annoyed, irritated, or
otherwise offended by
The things that we strongly dislike in others
Are typically a good reflection of the parts of ourselves
That we have either disowned or not fully integrated yet
(I explain this further in examples below)
And the biggest indicator of our shadows
Are the things that make us defensive
If you’re interested in going deeper on this
You can look up the works of
Swiss Psychoanalyst
Carl Jung
STEPS FOR BEFRIENDING YOUR SHADOW
MINDFULNESS
In order to do this work
You need to have a basic
Capacity for introspection
As well as a willingness to be honest
With yourself
The fact that you’re reading this
Is indication enough that you have
What it takes to embark on this journey
COMPASSION (FOR YOU)
Like I always tell my clients
We strive to do all this work
From a place of Self Compassion
In fact, you will need A LOT of Self Love
And compassion
Because this work is not for the faint of heart
But it makes life so much richer
That it’s absolutely worth doing
SILENCE & CENTEREDNESS
If you are in the middle of a trigger
Or are having an emotionally charged
Response to something
This is not the moment to grab
Your pen and journal
And start trying to dig deeper
The first step in the midst of
Any strong emotion
Is to (re)find your center
If you’re in the middle of an interaction
That feels heated, or feels like it could
quickly escalate
Step away if possible
Take a walk
Get some fresh air
Take a few deep breaths
If you feel super triggered
Try noticing the various objects
Around you, and start naming them
Out loud
If you’re outside, do the same
With the trees, flowers, plants, the sky
Point being, that we cannot engage
In the deeper work until we can reclaim
Our emotional center
Once you feel like you can
See straight again
Move onto the next step
GETTING COMFORTABLE
Find a quiet place
Where you will not be interrupted
Grab a blanket, some pillows
A cup of tea or whatever
Your favorite beverage is
Get comfortable with a pen, journal
Or a few pieces of paper
I’m including this piece
Because doing shadow work
Is challenging enough as it is
And because learning to cultivate
Both quiet moments and comfortable spaces
For ourselves is, in and of itself, also an act
Of Self Love
WRITE & RECORD
Be willing to be honest
With yourself
Remember that our refusal
To acknowledge the parts of
Ourselves that we deem unworthy
Ugly or unacceptable
Don’t just go away on their own
We need to acknowledge them
And actually befriend them
When we do so, they learn to trust us
They become willing to tell us
Where we still hurt
Where we still carry pain
And where we still have healing
We get to do
But if we shame these aspects of Self
They stay away, in hiding, and we never
Benefit from all the wisdom they have for us
So, having said that
Here are some questions
To journal on to get you started:
What are my strong reactions usually about?
Are there any themes I can see?
Are there certain people, or qualities, that usually upset me?
Are there certain traits I find unacceptable in others?
What emotions tend to come up for me?
Is it sadness, anger, lust, jealousy, rage or some other emotion?
What do I consider my positive qualities?
What are the OPPOSITE of these qualities?
This last question is SUPER important
Why!?
Because every quality has it’s opposite
For example, if I consider myself
An honest person
And ‘lying’ really triggers me
It means I probably don’t fully own
The part of myself that’s capable of being
Less than 100% truthful at times
Another example would be
If I consider myself a disciplined person
It might be that I don’t own the part of myself
That has the capacity for rest
Important Note:
Notice that the shadow opposite
Of discipline
Is laziness
BUT..
Like everything else
Even the shadow side of laziness
Carries its opposite as well
In this case, it’s the ability to rest and relax
So the question here would be
Where am I still denying myself
The permission to take a break?
Shadow Work is super complex
And it’s not something that you are
Ever going to be fully “done” with
It’s an ongoing unfolding
But the idea is to become
Familiar enough with your triggers
That they no longer rule your life
Just below the level of your awareness
— aka consciousness
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
